Neo in Fanfiction Land
by radishface
Summary: Morpheus, Trinity and Neo discover fanfiction. Neo investigates, and winds up elsewhere. Filled with recognizable fandom goodies including cameos by Ash Ketchum, Mary Sue, and The Other One. >_


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The Matrix: Adventures of Neo in Fanfiction Land

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Disclaimers: The Matrix and all its franchisey stuff belongs to the Wachoski Bros. (Like the Mario Bros.! LOLOLOL just kidding. _ I'm a dork.)

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Warnings and Rants: All right... major OOCness. This fic is REALLY random. And pretty long for a parody. _ I'm sorry, I'm sorry!! This has no point. I mean, this rant, and this fanfic. So just beware. Umm... what else? Readers of my other parody-fic (The Mary Sue one) will notice that I included a "special scene" in this one. Otherwise, enjoy. 

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Summary: Crew of the Neb (and a particular Agent) discover fanfiction about people. Themselves. Um, wow, what a surprise. And Neo gets mad, and wants to kill the authors. And then he gets stuck in a world that isn't a part of the Matrix, which houses fanfiction...

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Radishface

"Oh wow, Neo." Trinity gasped as she read the code on the computer screen. "Come over here and take a look."

"What is it?" Neo walked over, munching on a stray cracker he had found on Morpheus's desk yesterday. The captain's secret stash explained why his stomach had been more than paunchy as of late. 

"I don't know." Trinity muttered. "But it looks like..."

"Hell no!" Neo nearly spit all over her as cracker crumbs flew out of his mouth. "Read what I'm doing to you!!" 

"And how _they_ delved into our sexual lives is completely unknown." She muttered again, under her breath.

Neo brightened as he read. "But we've never done THIS before. You want to go try it? I think I have everything that we need--"

"Shut _up,_ Neo." She hit him upside the head. "You're acting like a horny teenager." 

He shrugged. "What's sex in the Matrix? It's completely simulated sex. I've wasted twenty-something years of my life on simulated sex and it's not real, now that I've realized there's a world outside the Matrix. I have some catching up to do, you know." 

"Egad." 

"What's going on?" 

"Oh." Neo turned around. "Hey, Morpheus." 

Morpheus entered the control room and squinted at the computer screen. "Internet novels? I remember those back in the Matrix." 

"Internet novels?" Trinity snorted. "Funny how I can access them _here._"

"Internet novels about US." Neo said absently. 

"What?" Morpheus asked. 

"Never mind." Trinity said. "This is strange, though."

"Hey." Morpheus narrowed his eyes. "Those are _my _Crunchy Crookoes." 

"Mine now." Neo grinned. "The One has to eat, you know." 

"Whoa." Trinity's eyes widened again. "Look what you're doing with Niobe." 

"Me?" Morpheus leaned in eagerly and squinted some more. 

"No, Neo." 

"WHAT?!" The two men wailed in unison, and Trinity put her hands to her ears. 

"What the HELL have you been doing with Niobe?!" Morpheus grabbed Neo by the collar of his shirt and lifted him up two feet off the ground. Neo choked. 

"I'm the One." He managed to wheeze. "Put me down, I'm the--" 

"NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME!" Morpheus roared. 

"Calm down, you boob." Trinity murmured. "It's just... a novel. With us. And I don't think any of this happened." 

"Oh yeah." Morpheus blinked, and set Neo down. "Sorry about that, kid." 

"No problem." Neo gasped, clutching onto Trinity's arm as he regained his breath. "I know you like saving the world." 

"That doesn't make any sense." Morpheus' brow furrowed. 

"You're saying the wrong stuff." Neo shrugged. "And not asking the right questions." 

"I'm not _asking_ any questions." 

Neo laughed. "Just saying stuff the Oracle tells me sounds cool. I like that shit. Hey, ever heard of a guy named Immanuel Kant?" 

"OH MY GOD!" Trinity screamed, and flew back in her seat. Morpheus and Neo fell over as well, effects of the domino cause. Or the causes of the domino effect. No wait, Trinity was the cause of the domino effect, which Neo and Morpheus were a part of. Right. 

"What?" Neo turned to her and grasped her arm protectively. "Is the Merovingian making up words like _causality_ again?" 

Morpheus frowned. "It's a real word, Neo." 

"It doesn't sound like one." 

"THAT'S SO KINKY!!" Trinity screamed again, and Neo's attention went back to her. 

"What is?" He blinked, and then smirked. "Oh, is it another fanfic about us?" He looked at the screen. "What are these rated, anyway?"

"Trinity, I didn't know you liked those NC-17 archives." Morpheus chuckled, inspecting his fingernails.

Trinity could only glare before she started blubbering again. Neo, interested, took a closer look, and then convulsively took a step back, his face paling. Morpheus fell over because Neo was the cause of him falling over because Neo bumped into him. The effect was Morpheus falling onto his ass. 

Morpheus groaned as Neo started to blubber like Trinity was not to mention The One was sitting on his chest and it was rather uncomfortable. "Dammit." 

"WITH SMITH??" Neo was yelling at the top of his lungs. He stood up abruptly, leaving Morpheus free to crawl back up. "WITH SMITH!? NOT WITH _SMITH!!_"

"What about Will Smith?" Morpheus muttered, holding his hands up to his head. "Air deprivation makes me dizzy." 

"No, SMITH. _Agent_ SMITH." Neo's eyes were wide with disbelief and he pointed accusingly at the computer screen. The random green text scrolled innocently as he went on. "Those... programmers... are pairing me up with HIM." 

"Relax, Neo." Morpheus patted him on the shoulder. "They're not as serious as programmers. They're just writers who write fanfiction. It's not really happening." 

"But that's INFRINGEMENT!" Neo spluttered indignantly. "I'm... THE ONE! There should be some sort of copyright rule over that!!" 

"The One and Agent Smith." Trinity murmured dreamily. "Wow, that's hot." 

"So you like men who put the acCENT on the wrong syLAble?" Neo groaned as he put his face into his hands. "_Misssss_ter Anderson, he calls me." Neo grumbled. "He's insulting my masculinity, I swear." 

"Don't read so much into it, Neo." Trinity laughed. "But still, he has a _sinfully_ deep voice. It's pretty sexy." 

"What, and I don't?" Neo glared. "That hurts, Trinity." 

"No, you're too bland sometimes." Trinity snorted and leaned back in the chair. "I mean, when you talk with the Oracle, you COULD be a little more polite, especially when she offers cookies--"

"But the cookies aren't real--" 

"So?" Trinity shrugged. "You act like a complete asshole in the Matrix. You don't talk about anything like it's worth talking about and you keep your voice really quiet and inaudible. And then in Zion, you're trying to get into my pants." 

"You do _too_," Neo pointed out, and looked at Morpheus and Trinity. "Both of you. And I learned from you guys." 

But Morpheus was reading, so he didn't notice. "That's nice." He said, and Neo and Trinity started backing away from him, because he was using his I'm-controlling-my-anger-it's-really-scary-but-look-I-can-slice-cars-in-half-with-my-samurai-sword! voice and they knew to stay away from it. 

"What is it?" Trinity asked warily, but she and Neo already had an inkling of what the answer would be. 

"It's a Lock/Niobe fanfic." He smiled brilliantly, showing the gap between his two front teeth. "Wow, one of those. And I thought WE were still... together. But ... we're not."

"Why don't you just go back to her, then?" Trinity looked at him, and he withered a little. 

"I'm too busy saving the world--"

"That's my job," injected Neo. 

"Well, administering the saving of the world--" Morpheus continued, "to go back to her. And she understands." 

"She's just sleeping with the commander." Trinity nodded. "It's just sex, Morpheus." 

He glared and the room shook. "What makes you think it wasn't just about sex between us _too?_" 

Neo's eyes grew as round as saucers, as round as when he discovered what the red pill was. "What?" 

Trinity was laughing hard in her seat, trying to smother them behind her hand, ending up sounding like a deranged cat. 

"I mean." Morpheus said, suddenly realizing what he just said, and buried his face in his hands. "I mean." 

"It's okay." Neo comforted. "It's all about sex between Trinity and me, too." 

Trinity looked surprised. "Really? I always thought it was something more." 

"I'm kidding." Neo whispered, as he patted Morpheus on the back. "I just need to say that to make him feel better. I love your brains, too." 

Trinity raised an eyebrow, and had the reserve to look mildly offended. 

"I mean, I love you for your brains," Neo quickly corrected, and then patted himself on the back as well. 

"And here's to men who can't talk outside the Matrix." Morpheus bemoaned, high-fiving Neo. 

"Amen." Neo muttered. "I sound so much cooler there." 

There was silence in the control room for a while, as Morpheus and Neo sat in contemplation of their horrible rhetoric skills, and Trinity continued to read Internet Novels that Had Their Names in It. 

"Where's Link, anyway?" Neo asked. 

"I think he's in his own room." Morpheus said, scratching his very bald head. "Jacking off to porn, maybe." 

Neo rolled his eyes. "Again?" 

"No, I think it's just because the author doesn't want to write about him and we're better characters anyway."

"What?" Neo blinked at Morpheus. 

"What?" Morpheus blinked back at him. 

"No, what'd you just say?" Neo suddenly looked a little scared. 

"I said something?" Morpheus was raising his eyebrows now, giving him a skeptical once-over. "Too many drugs, Neo." 

"AWWWWWWOOOH!" Trinity wailed from where she was, and burst into tears. 

"What? What? Whatwhatwhat?" Neo jumped up and ran over to her, rubbing her shoulders in what was supposed to be a soothing manner, but (in fact) just pulled her shirt a little lower so that her cleavage was exposed. 

"I died." Trinity sniffed, her eyes full of tears. "Wow, she's a good writer." 

Neo looked at the screen. "Dammit, Trinity, that's the rooftop scene where I stick my hand into your--"

Morpheus was containing his laughter, and Neo ignored him. 

"Where I stick my hand into your--"

Morpheus laughed some more. 

"STICK MY--" 

Morpheus was rolling on the floor laughing his ass off, or RotFLHAO. 

"And you have this... sort of... renaissance." Neo finished, and sighed.

"No, I actually die in this one." Trinity bemoaned, and pulled away from Neo, pointing at the screen. "See, read it." 

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Neo caught her and flew to the top of the roof, struggling, hoping that she wouldn't die, that he would be able to save her before it was too late. 

"Trinity!" He cried. His composure was shattered, his heart was a wreck. He didn't know what he would do without her. They were destined to fall in love, the Oracle had said. They were destined to be with each other. But as Neo remembered this, he realized-- nowhere had the Oracle said forever.

Trinity was staring back up at him, her eyes glazed over, full of pain, physical and mental. Neo knew she was thinking the same things he was-- the mortality, the death, the unending struggle of the war. And suddenly everything seemed so pointless, so absurd, if she wasn't going to be there. Was anything worth it now? He was fighting for their future, he realized, and then he was looking into her eyes, deep into her soul, and read that there was going to be no future. 

She had gasped her last breath, Neo,_ and then she stopped moving completely. Neo stared at her, disbelieving, and shook her shoulders, once, twice. _

Oh, god, he thought. Oh my god. 

Except there was no god in the Matrix, only the heartless machines who had wrenched her away from him. There was no forgiving deity who could give her back to him. And if this was their fate, who could say that he wouldn't share the same destiny? 

I love you, he thought, and suddenly pulled her dead body to him, trying to breath in the last scent of her, buried his nose in her blood-stained hair, feeling flecks of it on his nose. His eyes were watering, and then the tears started pouring down, and the rain started to come down as well, as if the Matrix was connected to him, this cruel machine, and was mocking him. 

And he thought, Trinity, I'll be there for you. He set her down on the ground, closing her eyes with her hand, feeling the dirt and blood wash off him, watching her lifeless face as it glistened in the rain. I'm going to be there, when this is all over, wherever it is you are. 

And then he held her hand one last time, and flew off, not bothering to look back, because he knew that it was pointless. 

Neo raised an eyebrow. "What the hell?" And then, more belatedly, "WAIT! How did they know I even rescued you?!" 

Trinity shrugged. "Maybe you should just accept the fact that the Matrix is one complicated piece of shit." 

"There are friggin' spies everywhere!" Neo jumped up. "I have to find them!!" 

"No, Neo--what do you think you're doing--?" Trinity raised an eyebrow as Neo plopped down on one of the jack-in chairs, and waited expectantly for somebody to connect him in. 

"I'm going to eliminate those _spies._" He gritted out. "They have no right to spy on the most... _intimate..._ of moments, no matter how well they write about them!" He seemed to reconsider, but his will resolved. "Yeah. Kill them all. Boom boom boom. I'll throw them into buildings." 

"Neo, what makes you think you can do that?" Morpheus rose up, but he looked like he wanted to kill them all as well. 

"Well," Neo shrugged, as he stared up at the ceiling, "I figure that if I jack in, I'll use my The One Super Recognition Powers and... recognize them for who they are." 

"Uh--"

"I can see in code, remember?" Neo shifted impatiently. "I'll bet their code makeup is completely different." 

"Right, right--" Trinity groaned, "sure you can see it. I'm completely confident in you, Neo."

"You are?" He grinned. 

"No." 

"Oh." 

"Just let him go for five minutes, Trinity." Morpheus laughed. "He hasn't beat up an Agent in six days and he's getting itchy." 

"But the hardlines--" Trinity murmured. 

"Take me to an office building or something, where there are a lot of phones. Maybe a school." Neo squirmed. "It's the weekend in the Matrix. The Agents will be in the Bahamas." 

"Five minutes, Neo." She glared, and Morpheus stuck the thing into his head. She pressed the 'enter' key, and Neo shuts his eyes, and then-- 

She looked at the computer screen, her mouth open. "Oh, shit." 

Persephone walks through the Chateau, looking very bored. Oh, her husband is being a bastard again. _Merde,_ she thinks, and hopes the toilets in the ladies' room will overflow and surround her husband and his little date with sewage. Not a very sexy thought, she considers, but it will do for one of revenge. She opens the door to her bedroom-- and oh, my. 

Neo-- the One-- is swathed in the white blankets, looking very confused and frightened and adorable indeed. And she thinks to herself, perhaps I was being too harsh on my husband. Perhaps this is compensation enough. Thank you Architect or Oracle or whatever. She turns her hips on to full swagger, and begins giving herself hip dislocations as she walks towards him. 

"Neeeeeeo." She whispers, and leaps for the bed, and straddles him, pulling the blankets down to reveal a very _nicely_ toned chest and prominent collarbones and a long, strong neck, and she wants to lick it. Hell, she wants to lick everything. Hmm-- lipstick on lips notwithstanding. 

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!" He screams, and pulls the blankets up, scrambling for something under the covers. Ah! She thinks. So considerate, he brought the necessary items to make it better for him. Does not want to force himself onto her, or the other way around. He wants it nice and slow and luxurious and time-taking. Yessss, that is good, she thinks. Such a nice, nice, boy, and she pats him on the head. 

But no, he pulls out a cell phone, and she frowns. A cell phone? Well, he is the One, he IS busy, but still, how very rude! And she tackles him again, and the cell phone almost flies out of his hands, but he holds on to it. 

"Oh my god, oh my god," he hyperventilates as she begins to trail her hands lower, and lower, and she hasn't had this in FOREVER, and even though she's a program, she's still an AI, and ooh, _merci Dieu!_

He almost smacks her in the face when he brings the cell phone up to his ear, and starts bellowing incoherently into it. Persephone sighs, and tries to knock it out of his hands, not with much success. Must he handle business NOW even if he is a gift from the All Mighty Creator of the Matrix? 

"TRINITY, MORPHEUS, DAMMIT!" She makes out, and rolls her eyes, sitting up on the bed, determined to wrest that stupid thing away from him. "WHERE THE FUCK AM I?! I MEAN, I KNOW I'M IN THAT GODDAMNED CHATEAU--" 

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Sha-toh, she thinks, _not Sha-tew._

"AND I'M NAKED AND IN BED WITH THE MEROVINGIAN'S WIFE--"

She thinks she hears collective gasps and on the other side of the phone, and then thinks, annoyed, as she reaches for his cell phone with sneaky sneaky fingers, _I have a name too, Neo._

"AND HOW THE HELL AM I ABLE TO FUCKING CALL YOU IF THIS IS THE _REAL_ CHATEAU AND LOCATED OUTSIDE THE MATRIX?!" 

He doesn't notice her, his back is turned to him, and her fingers are an inch away from the cell phone and he starts yelling again. She is mildly taken aback, and is wondrous at his feisty demeanor. Ooh, he shall be a fun one to play with--!

"HOW THE FUCK DID I GET INSIDE A FANFIC?! WHAT KIND OF FANFIC IS THIS?!" He's yelling, and Persephone squints. _A fanfic?_ She wonders, then decides she doesn't care. 

She lunges for the cell phone and is about to have her way with Neo and then he suddenly disappears. Left with wrinkled bed sheets and herself all alone on the huge bed, Persephone stares blankly at the spot where Neo once was, and is left with thin air. 

She takes a look around her, and then starts bawling. 

"What's the matter, Trinity?" Morpheus ran over to the console, where Trinity was typing furiously. Instead of the green text scrolling down a black background like they were used to-- it was a completely different layout. For some reason, the screen was white, and there was a little sign in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that had a glowing light bulb on it and read _fanfiction.net: unleash your imagination and free your soul._ And then there was a little yellow guy wearing sunglasses that looked a LOT like Neo who was being dragged by a hand over to the "Movies" link-- and then suddenly he disappeared. 

"NEO!" Trinity screamed, and started to cry (even though she hadn't completely finished from reading the fanfic from before). "Oh my god, Neo--" 

"What is this, Trinity?" Morpheus, all jealousy about Niobe and Lock forgotten, assumed his professional I-am-the-stoic-captain-of-the-ship-voice and his hands around the top of the chair tightened. "Do you know what's going on?" 

"I'm--I'm not sure." Trinity hiccoughed, staring at the screen, her vision blurred through her tears. 

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Morpheus was staring at the screen, waiting for the yellow-man Neo to reappear back on the screen and wave to them. 

"It's not normal." She said, tearing her eyes away from the screen, burying her head in her arms. "I can't believe we let him go like that--" 

"Just relax." Morpheus said. "Here, I learned some breathing exercises back on Zion--" 

"Nonono, thanks, but no thanks, I mean--" Trinity gathered herself, and looked at Morpheus straight in the eye. "I've never seen anything like this in the Matrix. I don't even think this is a part of the Matrix."

"What do you mean?" Morpheus narrowed his eyes.

"I think--" Trinity steeled herself, and looked back at the white, unchanging screen. "I think this is something far more sinister." 

"What?" Morpheus said. "What could be even worse than the Matrix?" 

"Well, sentinels, for one thing." Trinity said. "And then eating that stupid gruel. And then the beds on this ship. But seriously. Um." 

Morpheus was glaring now. "Yes?" 

"I think it's a program outside the Matrix." She spoke quietly. "It's not a part of the Matrix. It's almost like the Chateau-- existing completely outside of the Matrix." 

"How can you be so sure?" Morpheus said carefully.

Trinity snorted, wiping away her tears with the sleeve of her hand. "Well, there's no scrolling green code, so we can guess _that_ much." 

Morpheus nodded, and pretended like he had thought of that himself as well. "Of course." 

"But it's not the Chateau." She said, her voice so low now it was almost a whisper. "It's called _fanfiction.net._" 

"Maybe it's where more exiled programs go." Morpheus suggested. 

"Or rejects of the Matrix." Trinity countered.

"Or people who have no lives." 

"Or fanboys."

"Or fangirls." 

"What?"

"Huh? I didn't say anything." Morpheus blinked. "Wow. That's the second time." 

Trinity chose not to ask. "Well, anyway, we have to get him out... although I'm not sure how." 

And then suddenly the headset was ringing. Trinity sprang for it and put it over her head, and Morpheus looked at the screen more carefully. Now... look at this-- there was something different about the word "movies..." it was purple, whereas the other words were _blue._ And then he suddenly realized it, and ran off out of the control room. 

"Oh, Neo." She said, and breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank god you're all right-- wait-- what??" Her eyes widened considerably. "You're in the CHATEAU?? WITH THE MEROVINGIAN'S WIFE??" 

Morpheus returned, most triumphant, with a little white thing with two buttons on it. Trinity was staring, horrified, at the screen, and Morpheus went around back to where the computer CPU was, and started looking for a jack to plug the thing in. 

"Wait, wait, Neo-- don't freak out." She said, and then started hyperventilating again. "No, listen to me. I think you're in a fanfic. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how. I just know it, okay? Don't panic. No, shut up--" 

Morpheus found a jack, and plugged the thing in. It was an artifact from olden days, he recalled. It was a _mouse,_ used, back in the day, when they had a choice. You could either select this link or that link. Except Link didn't have a twin. Wait, never mind. Bad pun. 

And a little arrow appeared on the screen, and Trinity's eyes widened some more, and she glanced at the little white mouse. "Wait, Neo, shut UP." She clicked the "movies" link, and then a new page popped up. On the top and in the third column of words, there was a little blinking yellow man by the word "Matrix" and she clicked that as well. "Neo, I'm figuring this out, stop yelling--" 

Morpheus ran back to the front, where Trinity was suddenly faced with a huge list of... fanfiction, he guessed. And it was extremely confusing, and neither of them knew where to start. But then-- 

If Neo was in bed with the Merovingian's wife, that was most CERTAINLY not PG-13... and there was a little menu on the top that said G -- PG-13. Morpheus shoved Trinity's hand out of the way and clicked on the menu, and selected "R." 

A new list of fanfiction popped up, and a little yellow head with sunglasses on it was waving madly by a title... "Persephone's Wish," and Morpheus hurriedly clicked that. 

"Neo?" Trinity said, and tapped the headset. "Neo? Are you there?" 

Morpheus scanned the contents of the fanfic, and nodded grimly. They had saved Neo in the nick of time. Or at least, he hoped so. Hopefully he wasn't scarred for life.

Trinity seemed to get the hang of it, and clicked a button that faced to the left, presumably a "back" button... but they didn't see a hand or a little struggling yellow man anywhere. Trinity's hand shook on the mouse. 

"Where the hell is he?" She muttered steely, and gripped the mouse with conviction. "We have to find him."

"We will." Morpheus glared at the screen. "We shall rescue The One from this inferno." 

He was in a fanfic, Neo thought, a cloud of doom resting over his head. If he were lucky, the next time he landed, he would land in a fanfic where he and Trinity were getting it on. But Trinity wasn't in here with him... so how would she be able to participate?? So there was no way that he would end up in a fanfic with her. 

And he wasn't so lucky, after all. There was no Trinity in sight, no Morpheus, no Link, nobody from the Neb. But a man was approaching him, with a steady walk. 

Neo realized he was on top of a skyscraper, and this time with all his clothes. Yes, that was a GOOD thing. 

"Hello." The man said. He wore sunglasses at all, and was not dressed in a suit, so he wasn't an Agent. He was lucky so far. 

"Hello." Neo replied, a bit nervously. 

"I am the One." The man said, and lowered his shades. "Who are you?" 

Neo gave a start. "No, I'm the One." 

The man gave a patronizing smile. "No, you aren't." 

Neo felt himself get angry. Yes, he was. Yes, he was he was he was. He got the chick. He got the cool clothes. _This_ guy was wearing bright green. It was really tacky on him. What kind of a cyberpunk superhero was he?

"I am... Asterix." The man nodded. "I am... the One." 

"No, dammit, _I'm_ the One." 

"I'm sorry." He spoke very slowly, even more controlled than Neo did on one of his good days. "I'm afraid you are mistaken." 

"How can you be the One?" Neo was frustrated now. It was just a fanfic, he told himself, if Trinity was correct. If it was just a fanfic it wasn't really happening. "There can only be one One." 

"But I surpass you in every way ever since I was unplugged from the Matrix." The man nodded again, assured of himself. "I even wear bright green. I am the One." 

"Yeah." Neo snorted. "Yeah, sure. I bet you can fly, too." 

The man raised an eyebrow. "I can fly. I can fly better than you. And I don't have to do that time-consuming thing where I have to pound the ground first. I can just take off whenever I want to. And I have more physics-bending powers than you do. My ammo is completely unlimited. I have superpowers as well. I can shoot fireballs out of my hands and my feet. I can also shoot lasers out of my eyes and level buildings with my mind and make 7-11 slurpees with my pinky finger. I can also turn water into ice and melt metal and squish people with my bare hands and kill one-hundred Agent Smiths with a glance and along with that I have supreme PRO powers in the Real World and can do the same things I just mentioned with flying sentinels as well, AND I am well-versed in Shakespeare, Kant, the Rig-Veda, and the philosophies of Nietzsche." He smiled, most superior. "And I get a chick hotter than the one you have. She's blonde." 

Neo glared, and the man smiled. "I challenge you--" He gritted out, between his teeth. 

And the world suddenly _voiped_ on him, and Neo seemed to spin in a vortex before landing (somewhat uncertainly) on his feet. 

"-- to a Pokemon match??" A little kid suddenly appeared in front of him, with messy black hair and a red and white baseball cap, and there was a ridiculous-looking yellow-and-black blob sitting on his shoulder. It resembled a mouse, and a rat, and a really huge possum, and Neo wasn't sure whether to take it all in stride or be completely repulsed. 

The brat shoved a red-and-white spherical object into his face and sparkles and rays of light began to appear behind him. "My name's Ash Ketchum!! I'm here to battle you for the One badge!" 

Neo raised an eyebrow, and felt much superior again. He looked around for The Other One before turning to the kid. "The One badge?" 

"Yeah!" The hyperactive kid said, and his big eyes glistened with enthusiasm. "There are five different badges in The Matrix Pokemon League! To get into The Matrix Pokemon League, you have to win the Oracle badge, the Architect badge, the Agent Smith badge, the Cornel West badge, and the One badge." 

"Which means...?" Neo blinked. 

"Oh!" The kid seemed REALLY happy... maybe he was on something. "You have to beat the people with the badges." He smiled, and the yellow blob next to him squeaked. "So far I've got the Architect badge and the Cornel West badge." 

Neo blinked some more. "You beat the Architect?" 

The kid nodded so hard his head almost fell off. "Pikachu here--" he pointed to the yellow blob-- "electrocuted his television sets. He got so pissed off and told me he was going to leave the room and if I didn't have everything fixed in ten seconds he'd kill me. But he went out the OTHER door-- so--" 

"And the Cornel West badge?" Neo found himself asking, much to his reluctance.

"Oh." The kid grinned. "That's also known as the Really Bad Philosophy badge. The guy's all bullshit. Pikachu here beat him in with some theories about the meaning of life. We study everything from existentialism to Hinduism, don't we, Pikachu? Well, anyway..."

Just as Neo was about to turn around and walk in the other direction and pretend he hadn't heard what he had just heard, the boy suddenly screamed "I CHOOSE YOU, PIKACHU!!!" and then the yellow blob was flying towards him at an amazing speed and there were these electric sparks flying out of its head-- no wait, its cheeks-- not those cheeks-- 

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VOIP.

"OMG n30 NooOoOOoO!!!!!!!!" A girl with long, pale-white-blonde hair and dangerously mysterious blue eyes and a slender body and clothes that clung to her ever curve came flying at him, and knocked him out of the way. "OMg 1 w0nT l3T h1|\/| |-|urT UuuUu!!" 

"What the hell...?" Neo sat up, dazed, and the girl was sitting on his chest. 

"OMG n30 R u OK?" The girl said, and put a hand on his cheek, trailed her finger down. "OmG d0 1 h4Ve 2 t4k3 c4R3 oF u nD nUrS3 U b4cK 2 heAlThh?" 

"What the heck are you talking about?" Neo would have been nicer, but the girl was squeezing all the air out of him by sitting on his chest. "And get off." 

"oH i'M s)00Ooo sOryY n3O oK." 

Her hair floated in the air of their own accord, their blonde-white-silvery color one that he had never seen before. Her eyes, as he had noticed before, were dangerously and mysteriously blue (not... mysteriously blue like they were weird, but blue AND mysterious), and she had the perfect body. Neo was wondering if there was anybody unplugged or born in Zion that looked like she did, and then remembered it was a fanfic, and sighed. 

"n30 w1lL u m4rRy mE?" The girl clasped her hands together and begged silently with those really huge and gorgeous and mysterious eyes of hers. 

"That's a bit sudden." Neo said, and started backing off, but the girl followed him. 

"oH yaH huH n3o u aLreAdY hAvE a GiRlFriEnD heheee l1k3 ThE jUstiNtiMbeRlakEe sOnG wonT u B mY giRlFr13nD!"

He backed away some more without trying to seem rude, but the girl was oblivious. 

"oH yaH mY naM3 iS OMG! s00ooO keWli3z iTs siLveRrrfoXyChicKCa101074DrAcOMaLFoYsGF! HeeHEe soRry im Sooo00o rUd3 nOt 2 iNruDouce mYseFl." 

"If you already have a boyfriend, why do you need me?" Neo questioned. 

"CuZ" She giggled, most annoyingly, like bells on a Christmas evening, "iTs juST fiGurAtiVe silLy bUt ImSooo iRreSiStaB3l ANd I hAvE al1 ThRSE ch4RRmZ aNd n0b0Dy caN reS1sT mE!"

Neo had a feeling he could resist her, and was about to prove it. 

"i h4Ve a H4r3M bAcK @ mY toTalLy keWl cr1B...... . ... im a BisHuunEn coLleCTorZ! I hAvE omGoMgOmG! jUstTN TImBerRYlIKE aDN jOsh HartNEt7 ANd oRlandO00 Bl00 M anD DuOMaXweL Adnd AshToN Keuehtchr dn GacKT && lEgOl4z aNd l1k3 OMG anD And ethir wAWY im GonAn hAVe U cuZ iM sooO0o HoT and mRySuEish!!!! OMG!!!11" 

Neo's eyes were glazed with horror. 

Morpheus and Trinity were having the best and the worst of times trying to find where Neo was, click the link to get him out... and then have to find him again. They had no idea where they were going to go with this... or how to pull him out. 

"We need to find a fanfic with a hardline, or something." Trinity was fretting. "That way, when he picks up the phone, he'll be able to come back to us." 

Morpheus shook his head. "He'll just be transported to wherever the hardline in the fanfic wants to go." 

Trinity fretted some more. "Jesus CHRIST, we're never going to be able to get him out of there! Why the hell did we let him go in the first place?!" 

Morpheus considered this. "Because he was bored." 

"I hope he's not fucking bored NOW." Trinity glared. "First he encounters The Other One, and then he's in a Matrix/Pokemon crossover, and then he's stuck in something called a Mary Sue fanfic." 

"I have an idea." Morpheus suddenly said, his eyes brightening slowly. "I have the greatest idea." 

"Well, don't go into speech mode and rip your shirt off or anything." 

Morpheus narrowed his eyes, but didn't reply to that, and continued. "What if we write our own fanfic?" 

Trinity smiled so hard her mouth almost split in two. "Wow. That might work." 

"N30, OMG!" The girl said, her blue eyes blinking, full of watery tears. "yUU h4V3 2 TruST me! aNd HelP mE! I h4V3 a MystRIoUsd p4St!" 

"And what does that have to do with me...?" Neo had an idea. Maybe, if he inched away enough, he could start flying away from the girl, and she wouldn't be able to fly after him. Maybe. But he couldn't know with these fanfics. After all, The Other One claimed he could do just as much as Neo (and way more). Why shouldn't this girl be able to do the same? And besides, he was feeling curiously woozy... drowsy... anD toTalLy sUpR lyK3 hE waNtED 2 G1Ve iN-- NO!!! NO, NO, NO! He had to fly away!!

"PpL w4nT to h31| m3e cUzz 1 h4V3 a MystRieYs P457." She clasped her hands together, and Neo wanted to hurl. "ThR's g00d inSiD3 evRYboDY! anD U B iNg thE 1, N30, u lyK3 TuTalLy h4V3 to h3l| m3! oThRwiS3 Ill h3V3 2 kiLl mySeLF1 bEcaUS3 im sO sAd!"

Just as he was about to take off, though, somebody walked through the rooftop-access door. 

It was Agent Smith.

Neo turned white, and looked back and forth between the two. If the so-called author had already endowed this girl with super-beauty and so-called "charm," what could the author have done to enhance Smith's already formidable powers? The girl and Smith... they could be a team of pure evil. 

"N30!!" He said. "H0w d4R3 U FliRt wItH mY GiRLFriEnDD!" 

Neo froze, utterly stupefied with fright. 

"TeE hE3!" The girl giggled, her voice as squeaky as a graceful mouse dying in a graceful mousetrap. "OmG! n30, lyK3, Sm1th Is a G00d GuuY n0w buT hEs sT1lL a l3TTlE poSeSsziVE oF mEe3 soEMtiEMz."

"Then why the hell do you need _me_ to be your boyfriend?!" Neo spluttered indignantly. 

"cUz uR pReTTiR!" 

Neo rubbed at his temples. "I cannot believe this is happening." 

"CoM3 oN N30 whAtS wR0Ng alReaDY uR suPp0S3D to f4lL iN luRvE wiT mE3!" She squealed, assuming the I'm-sad-so-plz-help-me-face again. 

"N3-0!!" Smith was shouting. "G3T aWaY frOm hR OMG!" 

"n0w n)w siLly SmYT|-| u doNt nE3D t0 woRrY i JusT wAnT hIm t0 mAkE oTU wiT me cUz Im beauTIFul!" 

Everything was moving in slow motion when Neo flew up into the air, up into the stratosphere, and when he thought he was high enough (since the sky was beginning to darken-- yeah, he guessed he was somewhere between Earth's atmosphere and space), and he flew back down. 

Acceleration going up equals the acceleration going down, Neo remembered from a physics class he had taken in high school. But HAH!, he was the One, and he'd be damned if he couldn't double the acceleration when he went down. So he did, and stuck his hand out in front of him as he flew. 

A blur of light, all Neo heard was

"OMG hEz jUsT soo00 goRGeuOs anD kAiWAi!IreaLly wAnT to lyhK3 hAV3 Him. oF coURsE Ill Giv3 hiM bcK 2 TRiNTiy l8R cuZ im a Go0D perRsoN buT stIll OMGOMGOMG! AHHHHhIEEEEEEEEEE!" 

And then her fist smashed into her pretty little head and through her pretty little brains and she died.

Smith hadn't done anything to harrass him (yet), thought Neo, as he wiped the pink blood off his hands onto the cement, but he was looking very confused. Or rather, his face was. It was contorting and twisting (and not in the transformation phase, either), and then suddenly it stopped. Contorting, that was. 

"Hello, _Mister_ Anderson." He said, adjusting his sunglasses, and turning to the very bewildered Neo. 

"Hi." Neo ventured, and waved. "Well, I'll just be going now. Bye. See you. Ciao. Au revoir. Adieu, zai jian, sayonara." 

"_Wait,_ _Mis_ter Anderson." Smith said, and held out a hand. "I would like to thank you, first." 

Neo turned around and looked at Smith in genuine confusion. "Is this part of the fanfic?" 

"Why no, Mister Anderson." Smith laughed. "I was actually trapped here for quite some time, under her spell. You noticed that my code was completely scrambled?" 

Neo recalled Smith saying _G3T aWaY frOm hR OMG!. _"Yeah." 

"You rescued me from her. I suppose I should kill you, but I'll thank you first." 

"You're very welcome." Neo scratched his head. "So I guess you'll want to kill me now."

"No." Smith said slowly. "Mister Anderson, I was wondering how I should make this up to you." 

"How did you get in here?" Neo asked suspiciously. 

Agent Smith shrugged. "I was playing around in the programming maintanence rooms." 

Neo decided to accept that answer, incredulous as it was. He couldn't ask anybody, though-- Trinity hadn't tried to call him after the Persephone thing. Hopefully she wasn't too pissed off at him. Maybe she and Morpheus were working something out back on the Neb. "All right, good. We're even." 

"No, we're not, Mister Anderson." Agent Smith nodded slowly, as if thinking to himself. 

It was his second attempt at flying away before hearing Smith's next words. 

"Mister Anderson." He started, and walked over to Neo. "Would you consent to having ice cream with me? I'll pay for you. And after this, we can go back to fighting again."

Neo looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "Are you sure?" 

Agent Smith shrugged. "Machines don't lie." 

"Are you sure?" 

"I'm completely sure."

"You can't be sure. This isn't happening." 

"Well, it's right there!! Read it for yourself, Morpheus!" 

"... They're having ice cream??" 

"At Coldstone's." Trinity muttered under her breath. "Goddammit, Neo, what are you _doing?_" 

"And is Agent Smith trying anything?" Morpheus rubbed his chin. 

"On Neo?" Trinity shuddered. "I really hope not." 

"I didn't mean it that way." 

"Oh." 

"Well, read it here. He says "machines don't lie."" 

"Since when did you trust machines??" Trinity looked incredulously at Morpheus. 

"We can take this time... Neo seems relatively safe, and he can always defeat Agent Smith... why don't we just let them do what they're going to do?" 

"Wait a minute." Trinity squinted at the computer screen. "We clicked on the fanfic. Why isn't Neo going anywhere?" 

Morpheus seemed taken aback as well. "I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it's because somebody else is there as well. Smith, for instance." 

"Are you sure that's the real Smith?" 

"Look at the corner." Morpheus said grimly. On the top of their screen, there was not one little yellow man, but two of them, and one of them looked a lot like Agent Smith. Instead of waving about frantically, the Neo-man was very still, and had a smiley on his face. 

"Well, hurry up, Trinity." Morpheus said. "Let's do this." 

"Right." Trinity gathered herself together.

"So, Mister Anderson..." Agent Smith was sitting across from him in the very 50s-ish ice cream parlor, and Neo felt vaguely uncomfortable, sitting here in his trademark black, Smith wearing a corporate suit, and they were surrounded by kids of all ages and Neo felt very... conspicuous. 

"What?" Neo stared up at his ice cream, which was starting to melt. Smith had insisted that he get a huge banana split sundae of epic proportions. Thirty different flavors were beginning to merge together, and there were bananas sticking out in different angles out of the mound of melting stuff and random cherries, chocolate sprinkles, and Oreo cookies were scattered on the mountain, drizzled with melted chocolate fudge, caramel syrup, and whipped cream. 

"Your ice cream." Smith pointed out. The agent had only gotten a double-scoop vanilla ice cream, which he was eating mechanically. "It's melting."

"No shit, Sherlock." 

Neo would have guessed that Smith was going to have vanilla ice cream. Why not? It was the simplest, most unadorned thing he could have guessed of. But then again, if Neo hadn't insisted that Smith get something for himself, the Agent probably wouldn't be eating anything right now, and then Neo would be sitting here, with a silent machine across from him, however AI he was, and in his trademark black, in a room full of kids, and 50s atmosphere, and feeling very... conspicuous. Even more than he was now. 

Neo stuck his spoon into the goopy mess and dug out a bit of strawberry ice cream. "Um." 

"Yes, Mister Anderson?" Smith looked up. 

"Why don't you take your sunglasses off?" Neo blurted, and realized it was a stupid question. 

Smith frowned. "Because it doesn't serve a purpose." 

"Well, it makes you stand out. And we're inside." 

The agent nodded. "All right, Mister Anderson." And he took his sunglasses off. "I suggest you do the same." 

Neo did, set them on the table, and ate another bite of ice cream... this time, it was chocolate. 

"Mister Anderson." Smith said. 

"What?" 

"How's your sex life?" 

Neo almost choked. "_Excuse_ me?" 

Smith looked almost mischievous. "I supposed it was a question people asked each other if they know each other fairly well." 

"If they're _FRIENDS!_" Neo spluttered, random flecks of ice cream flying out of his mouth and landing on Agent Smith's nice black suit. Suddenly, he was very mortified. 

Smith casually brushed it off. "You don't think this is friendly? Me, treating you to ice cream, in an ice cream parlor? It seems like something two friends would do." 

"It's different--" Neo continued, and realized he really didn't know how to explain himself. 

"Suit yourself." Smith dismissed the subject with a wave of his hand, and continued to methodically eat his ice cream, and Neo looked despairingly at his ever-melting gooey mountain. 

"It's great." He said suddenly, out of the blue.

"What is?" Agent Smith looked at him. 

"My sex... life." Neo finished weakly.

"I see." The agent smiled. 

It was silent in the control room, except for the sounds of fingers typing furiously on the keyboard. 

"It's finished!" Trinity said triumphantly. It was two sentences.

__

"Neo is Saved From Fanfiction.net"

By Morpheus and Trinity

Rated: G

Disclaimers: Neo belongs to Trinity. 

- - - 

__

Neo VOIPed out of the fanfic and jacked out of the Fanfiction.net inferno. He was welcomed back by Morpheus and Trinity in the Neb control room.

- - - 

Reviews are appreciated.

"Trinity..." 

"What?" 

"Are you sure I can't put anything about Niobe and myself in there?" 

"WE HAVE TO POST THIS!!" 

"Mister Anderson." 

The One was jolted out of his reverie involving Smith and ice cream and himself in an ice cream parlor and realized he _was_ still in an ice cream parlor with himself and Smith. Damn circular psychology.

"Mister Anderson." Smith was smiling amusedly at him, and Neo squirmed. What was so funny? 

"What?" 

"Are you afraid you're going to get fat if you eat all that ice cream?" Smith was looking with interest at the rapidly dissolving goo. "Because if you are, I can assure you, your figure in the Real World won't change a bit." 

Neo gave a start. "I never thought about it." And he was very thankful he had not eaten the entire banana split sundae. 

Smith shrugged, and stood up. "I'm afraid I have not made it up to you adequately, then, if you have not enjoyed your ice cream." 

"Huh?" Neo gazed up at the agent, who had slipped his sunglasses back on. 

"What do you say we go to Disneyland?" Smith gave him a smile, and Neo stared. 

"_Huh_?" 

Smith sighed. "Honestly, Mister Anderson. You are a little hard of hearing." And then he took Neo's arm and started dragging him out of the ice cream parlor, much to the shopkeeper's amusement. 

"This isn't going to work." Trinity said, after uploading the fanfic. 

"Why not?" Morpheus glanced at the screen over her shoulder. 

"Because it says... _success! Your story will be posted within 24 hours._" Trinity began to whack her head on the keyboard. "Dammit, dammit, dammit. We don't _have_ twenty-four hours. What if the sentinels start attacking Zion in twenty-four hours?"

Morpheus struggled not to give away his anxiety. "There must be another way... quicker... instantaneous... 

"Wait... look at this. It says reviews are updated every fifteen minutes." 

"So we'll write a review." 

"Right." Trinity clicked the "back" button numerous times and ended up back in the fanfic. "Hey, Neo's going to Disneyland." 

Morpheus glared enviously. "I want to go to Disneyland." 

Trinity scrolled to the end of the fanfic and wrote:

__

Wow this is really good, plz write more

P.S. Wanna read my fic? It's this:

"Neo is Saved From Fanfiction.net"

By Morpheus and Trinity

Rated: G

Disclaimers: Neo belongs to Trinity. 

- - - 

__

Neo VOIPed out of the fanfic and jacked out of the Fanfiction.net inferno. He was welcomed back by Morpheus and Trinity in the Neb control room.

"Trinity." Morpheus pointed out. "You never even read the end of it." 

"I don't really want to." Trinity retorted, and clicked the "submit" button. 

"Well, then." Morpheus said, and crossed his arms. "We only have to wait." 

Little children and their mothers rode on the car in front of them, and little children and their mothers rode on the car behind them. Neo and Smith, with their commanding attitudes and wickedly wicked clothes, said they were a part of the Safety Inspection Agency and got to cut to the front of the line in less than fifteen minutes. 

And now Smith and Neo were riding on the Alice in Wonderland ride, and they were squished in the caterpillar car. 

"I can't believe I'm on this thing with you." Neo shook his head, and took his sunglasses off to get a better view of the Cheshire Cat. "Hey, I think you look like him." 

Smith raised an eyebrow and lowered his sunglasses as well. "I do not." 

"Suit yourself." 

They rode in silence for a while, passing the Mad Hatter and the Mouse Drunk on Treacle and then the Queen. 

"How the heck are we going to get out of this?" 

"What, the fanfic?" 

"Yeah." 

"I suppose it'll be the ways we came in. I'll find the programming room again. You'll just have to hope for the best." 

"Oh." 

Silence, and evil laughter, and the white rabbit hopped by. 

"Which mushroom do you think you would eat?" Smith suddenly asked him. "There's one that makes you grow, and then there's one that makes you shrink." 

"Probably the one that would make me grow." Neo shrugged. "I'll be able to see everything."

"And of course I'll choose what you don't." Smith said. "You can see everything from that perspective as well." 

Neo looked around him, and realized they were getting to the part where the doors would open to the outside and they would spiral down back to the beginning of the ride. "Did this just take a turn for the more philosophical?" 

The doors to the outside opened, and Smith raised an eyebrow. "I don't know, Mister Anderson." 

Neo _voiped._

Neo VOIPed out of the fanfic and jacked out of the Fanfiction.net inferno. He was welcomed back by Morpheus and Trinity in the Neb control room.

"God." Neo said, rubbing the back of his head. "I really don't want to go through any of that. Ever. Again." 

"Of course you won't." Trinity rubbed his back, assuring. "Mary Sues and The Other Ones and Pokemon Crossovers won't ever affect you again." 

"And having ice cream and going to Disneyland with Agent Smith." Neo muttered. 

"So does this mean he'll try to kill you again, next time you meet in the Matrix?" Morpheus asked. 

"I guess so." Neo walked towards the computer screen. "If he finds his way out of the fanfic."

"So you're okay?" Trinity asked, and Neo nodded. 

"Just... after we destroy the Matrix and free everybody from the pods, let's destroy whatever that was." 

"What?" Morpheus pursed his lips. "Fanfiction.net?" 

"Was that what it was?" Neo looked surprised. "Well, sure. Let's destroy it. It's not good for anybody's health." 

"Sounds good." Morpheus said, rubbing his chin. He closed all windows pertaining to Fanfiction.net, closed the Wordpad version of Trinity's fanfic, and then the familiar scroll of green code and black background popped up, and it was soothing... almost.

"So." Trinity looked at Neo. 

"So." Neo looked back at her. 

"Oh." Morpheus said, and backed out of the room politely. 

Neo and Trinity returned to their rooms and had sex in very graphic description. 

"Oh wow, Neo." Trinity gasped as she read the code on the computer screen. "Come over here and take a look."

"What is it?" Neo walked over, munching on a stray cracker he had found on Morpheus's desk yesterday. The captain's secret stash explained why his stomach had been more than paunchy as of late. 

"I don't know." Trinity muttered. "But it looks like..."

"Hell no!" Neo nearly spit all over her as cracker crumbs flew out of his mouth. "Read what I'm doing to you!!"

"And how _they_ delved into our sexual lives is completely unknown." She muttered again, under her breath.

Neo brightened as he read. "But we've never done THIS before. You want to go try it? I think I have everything that we need--"

"Shut _up,_ Neo." She hit him upside the head. "You're acting like a horny teenager."

**__**

The... End? Possibly? Not really? Circular Psychology? What??? 

LOL! That was so fun to write... although I'm guessing it was hard to read? It's a pretty long 'humor' fanfic. Anyway, reviews are appreciated. ^_^ 

__

Notes: The "yellow man" is supposed to look like the AIM dude. Smith and Neo AIM guys... awe, that's cute. :-P


End file.
